Infernal Math

With our destruction nigh, I'm working on opening the sixth seal. As far as I can tell the code to cracking the infernal math lies in the patterns of Sudoku; for who else, but The Lord of The Chthonian Pit (Lo from MTV's The Hills) could devise such an endlessly confounding system of torture?

-- Rev 6:12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake;and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood --

Lasagna Night

Last night was lasagna night. All who have tasted this lasagna agree that it is the best lasagna they have ever eaten, and likely ever will. The lasagna in question is a Greek variation on the classic Italian dish, passed down from generations of chefs living in New Zealand. It arrived on our shores several years ago when an intrepid young chef made it at house party in New Haven, CT. How it ended up at 703 Sackett st. is a long and twisted tale for another time. The important thing to focus on is the risk involved in preparing this dish. It's a chore to cook and takes a minimum of two people working in perfect sync, like a delicately crafted ballet. Each step must be flawless, your timing must be nothing but extraordinary or the lasagna will not take and your home and yourself well be branded forever as failures. For those brave enough to attempt the perfect dinner, here now is the immortal recipe (approximately) for Greek Veggie Lasagna.

• Make tomato sauce Start with an onion, about half a carrot and a stick of celery – all chopped. Fry on low until soft. Add three cloves of garlic, a good handful of chopped pitted Kalamata olives, and a pinch of chili and a little paprika. Fry for about a minute. Add a big can of tomatoes, salt and pepper and any other herbs you want (basil, oregano?) and simmer (adding water if it gets to dry) for about 20mins.

• Then slice and fry an eggplant in batches until golden and soft, you need quite a lot of oil so drain on absorbent kitchen towel.

• Chop sweet potato (kumera), toss in a little olive oil, cumin and dried thyme and roast until cooked (about 30 minutes depending on sixe of slices).

• Make a cheese sauce Melt equal parts butter and plain flour (about 4 tablespoons each?) and two teaspoons mild mustard; cook for about 2 minutes on low. Add about a cup of water, whisking, add about 1 ½ cups cream. You less or more cream/water depending on taste and consistency. Add a small packet of strong grater cheddar and cook till cheese all melted and sauce is the right consistency.

You also need some fresh lasagna sheets, a packet of feta, and some frozen spinach.

• Put half tomato sauce and half eggplant on bottom on a lasagna dish.

• Add a layer of lasagna sheets.

• Scatter over about 2-3 three small handfuls of frozen spinach, the packet of feta, and the baked sweet potato. Top with a layer of the cream sauce.

• Add another layer of lasagna sheets

• Top with remaining tomato sauce and eggplant

• Add a layer of lasagna sheets

• Top with remaining cream sauce and sprinkle with some grated cheddar cheese or parmesan

• Bake in medium-hot over until bubbling at edges and golden. I often start with the oven on moderate for 20 minutes and then turn it up to about 375 to brown the top for the last 10-15 mins.

Gearing Up For The Apocalypse

It's finally arrived, the year of our collective destruction, and I for one couldn't be more excited. Around 703 Sackett St. we're making plans and getting ready. Eric will be heading south where he hopes to form a cult of personality in the Miami area. Through guns and superior fire power he hopes to control his corner of the Floridian peninsula. I plan to go north, as far from civilization as I can get, way up there in the Northern Territories, but not so far as to go beyond where the resources are plentiful. I'll live off the land, hunting and fishing in the summer and smoking my meats to keep them fresh and edible for the long harsh winter. I should start practicing hunting around Brooklyn to get into the swing of things. My primary means of defense will be the tamed wolf or wolves that I'll be living with. I'll need to watch that new Liam Neeson picture to get a better sense of how all that works. (Let me know if you want to go see it with me.) I haven't yet discussed plans with Kathleen, but I have the sneaking suspicion that she'll return to the U.K. to control an army of chavs which means she'll basically be doing the British version of Eric's plan.

What does the New Year hold?

Tonight The Bachelor premiered on ABC. Eric thought Ben, the titular bachelor, looked like the Italian Michael Cera. Eric later remarked that he should have said "Guido Michael Cera" (GMC). The peperoni on the pizza pie that is The Bachelor is comprised of a handful of radiant Gorgons competing for GMC's attention -- Gorgons whose futures hold equal parts feigned affection and looming, all consuming regret. One in particular posed this insightful question to her would be non-fiance: "What two things is Kentucky best known for?" Surprisingly, neither bourbon nor VD were counted among the correct answers.

Lo is not a pimp, so Lo commit suicide

Bills, you guys

Hot billing action: the KeySpan and ConEd this month are $33.86 and $20.95 a person, respectively. Matt also nicely bought our homestead a 1 lb. bag of Pike's Place Roast, so we're officially Starbucked.

Watch out for Evelyn

FYI, two Jehovah's Witness ladies are roaming the neighborhood. At least one of them is named Evelyn, and they will try to argue that God exists even though he is invisible, because the air is also invisible but "we're still breathing" and the wind is still blowing. They seem to strike right when you need to go poo. They also gave me a booklet about what Jehovah wants from us, etc., which has plenty of great illustrations, especially of Jesus as a lost extra from Cannonball Run (excellent beard!). According to the photo on page 123, Jehovah does not like Latin gangs or stealing crystal figurines of ballerinas which you hide under your fur-lined coat.
They might be back to talk about certain chapters in this thing, so be sure to empty out your colon first or just ignore the doorbell.